From letters page of Austin Chronicle :

Dear Editor.

I see in the movie listings that Oliver Twist will be advance-screening in Austin this week. I?d just like to remind moviegoers that it was directed by a child rapist.

Is that like a child prodigy? No, I guess not. I’m sure your timely reminder is relevant to the movie but could you expand a little. Has Polanski perhaps used his experience as a child rapist to draw out more powerful performances from the young actors?

People should remember that when movie reviewers inevitably gush about Roman Polanski?s greatness and skill and blah blah, they?re heaping praise on a man who raped a 13 year old girl and then fled the country to avoid prosecution.

Not sure what Roman Polanski?s blah blah is. Is it the place he likes to be touched?

He?s apparently still allowed to walk the streets solely because he?s a famous Hollywood type. I expect this to be overlooked in most discussions of the film.

Heck no, not in this town buddy. I?m going to call Barnes and Noble right now so I can organise a film critique group that will tackle, head-on, the issue of whether Polanski is a famous Hollywood type or not.

If we decide he isn’t, then we will stay in that store until we have discussed all the other reasons why he’s still allowed to walk the streets. Or at least until they close at 11pm.

Name witheld.

Very good, indeed, my dear.

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea!

Everyone loves the king of the sea,
ever so kind and gentle is he,
tricks he will do when children appear,
and how they laugh when he’s near!

Unless they?re underwater child terrorists, secretly trying to blow up US warships, in which case they won?t be laughing when Flipper, trained military killer, suddenly appears. Especially because it?s quite hard to laugh underwater without accidentally drowning. But I expect the baddies warn the kids about that.

(more…)

- A Game of Strategy for the Painfully Self-Aware -

You?re with a group of people at a bar. For the sake of this game, lets call the people ?comics? and the bar, a comedy club on a Thursday night. But you can adapt it to most social environments. You know these comics well enough to talk to them, but you?re not really in with them. Mainly because you?re about 20 years older, married and are well beyond your drinking ?glory days?.

(more…)

Postscript to my last piece.

A reliable source just informed me that if you call pretty much any government office nowadays, they know your name, number and location before they answer. Say something you shouldn’t, thinking you have anonimity, and you can expect the police around before you’ve hung up.

Wow, I was more naive than I thought. Guess that blows my plan to call Rick Perry’s office (Texas Governor) and when they answer, shout ‘cock’ and slam down the receiver. Although it wouldn’t be quite that dramatic as I have a cordless phone. It’d be more a case of shouting ‘cock’ and then quickly pressing the off button on the handset.

Read ‘Um, hello, is this the President?’

*it’s a longish read, make a cup of tea

It?s often the small things about living in the US that take me by surprise. And make me feel like a right idiot.

I got an email from the Humane Society urging people to contact the Government about the animals that were still trapped in New Orleans and pushing for more assistance to rescue them. The mail included a list of phone numbers to call – the White House, Governor?s office, Department of Homeland Security, etc. So I carefully composed a message to leave on the answerphones.

I was sure that whoever played back the voicemails would take particular note of mine, eloquently delivered in my educated yet accessible British accent. It might even be escalated to a higher authority and come to represent all the other calls on this issue.

(more…)

?And next we have some estrogen coming to the stage. Please welcome Maggie Gallant?.

That’s how I was introduced to the stage on Tuesday night. By an MC that I hadn’t met before, in a show with 5 other comics, all male. One of the other comics was black but this wasn’t mentioned in his introduction. Shame we didn’t have a crippled comic or perhaps a midget. It would have been an interesting experiment. Not that I’d experiment on cripples or midgets, because that’s wrong. I just mean it would have been interesting to see how the MC handled it.

(more…)

In the course of writing my solo show, I?ve been digging around in old folders of stuff relating to my adoption. Mainly it?s my original birth certificate, notes of my search for my birth mother, the ?script? I used when I first called her, a photo and an accusatory letter she sent to me. And a school essay titled ?A Perfect Day?.

(more…)