Driving down Lamar this afternoon we passed a veterinarian clinic. The sign outside said:
The Holidays Are Near, Bring Your Pet Here

Erik saw nothing particularly offensive about this, suggesting it was simply a rhyme to attract attention to the vet?s business.

I however, saw beyond the obvious. The man is clearly a pet killer.

First of all, if this is simply an innocent rhyme, then why not choose something more festive.
?The holidays are near, I bring you good cheer?.
It?s gentle and reminiscent of a more innocent time. It says he has old-fashioned values but don’t worry he can still do all kinds of animal wizardry.

Or, if he wanted to make it more animal specific, then perhaps:
?The holidays are coming, take your dog running?.
To me this would suggest a vet who does more than just treat sick animals, he?s also concerned for the health and welfare of both you and your pet in this time of over-indulging.

However, if he was determined to use his sign as a sales pitch, then I?d suggest:
?It?s almost Christmas, we sell dog biscuits?.
First of all, the off-rhyme would endear people to the vet and make him seem less pushy and salesish. Secondly, by offering seasonal comestibles the vet could bring in an a broader pet-owning audience, thus expanding his customer base as well as making profit from the biscuit-based gifty baskets.

Flawed by my logic, Erik then claimed that the ?vet? was simply appealing to people who had been meaning to schedule a check up but had been too busy. But the sign didn?t say:
?Santa?s about, get ‘em checked out?

And even if it were a harmless suggestion, it?s not much of a holiday gift for the dog. Happy Christmas Storm, here?s a thermometer up your bottom. She?d be far happier with a bag of Pupperoni and a few minutes by herself.

And is Christmas really the best time for a general check up? What if it was bad news. It wouldn?t make for a very happy family holiday. Wouldn?t you rather wait until the new year, when everything?s shit anyway?

I suggest that this faux-vet is mentally unstable, encouraging you to bring your pets to him for lord knows what dreadful seasonal consequence. It?s a strange reversal of the Humane Society annual admonition ?A dog isn?t just for Christmas?. In this vet?s eyes, a dog isn?t for Christmas at all. Unless it’s roasted.

Forewarned is forearmed. And hopefully, still four-legged.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 22nd, 2005 at 4:41 pm and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.