Driving down Lamar this afternoon we passed a veterinarian clinic. The sign outside said:
The Holidays Are Near, Bring Your Pet Here
Erik saw nothing particularly offensive about this, suggesting it was simply a rhyme to attract attention to the vet’s business.
I however, saw beyond the obvious. The man is clearly a pet killer.
First of all, if this is simply an innocent rhyme, then why not choose something more festive.
‘The holidays are near, I bring you good cheer’.
It’s gentle and reminiscent of a more innocent time. It says he has old-fashioned values but don’t worry he can still do all kinds of animal wizardry.
Or, if he wanted to make it more animal specific, then perhaps:
‘The holidays are coming, take your dog running’.
To me this would suggest a vet who does more than just treat sick animals, he’s also concerned for the health and welfare of both you and your pet in this time of over-indulging.
However, if he was determined to use his sign as a sales pitch, then I’d suggest:
‘It’s almost Christmas, we sell dog biscuits.’
First of all, the off-rhyme would endear people to the vet and make him seem less pushy and salesish. Secondly, by offering seasonal comestibles the vet could bring in an a broader pet-owning audience, thus expanding his customer base as well as making profit from the biscuit-based gifty baskets.
Floored by my logic, Erik then claimed that the ‘vet’ was simply appealing to people who had been meaning to schedule a check up but had been too busy. But the sign didn’t say:
‘Santa’s about, get ’em checked out.’
And even if it were a harmless suggestion, it’s not much of a holiday gift for the dog. Happy Christmas Storm, here’s a thermometer up your bottom. She’d be far happier with a bag of Pupperoni and a few minutes by herself.
And is Christmas really the best time for a general check up? What if it was bad news. It wouldn’t make for a very happy family holiday. Wouldn’t you rather wait until the new year, when everything’s shit anyway?
I suggest that this faux-vet is mentally unstable, encouraging you to bring your pets to him for lord knows what dreadful seasonal consequence. It’s a strange reversal of the Humane Society annual admonition ‘A dog isn’t just for Christmas’. In this vet’s eyes, a dog isn’t for Christmas at all. Unless it’s roasted.
Forewarned is forearmed. And hopefully, still four-legged.