I’m discovering that there are certain key attributes to being a road comic. These include, the ability to sleep absolutely anywhere, a tolerance of fast food and at least one good overflowing toilet story.

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England are through to the quarter-finals of the World Cup and I’m about as excited as the average American. Probably sub-normal and extraordinary Americans too.

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Interesting weekend at the Velveeta Room. I was opening for Kristen Key, the one on NBC’s Last Comic Standing that’s doing alright so far. She was recording her first DVD so it was all a bit glam with cameras and lights and a fancy new Velveeta Room sign on the stage. And best of all, a sold-out crowd with people lined up outside.

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Yesterday I got first place in my age group for a local 5k (3.1 miles). My winning time – 24:18. Not very fast, in fact in any other race this would be quite average, the fast ones coming in at 20 minutes or less. Even so, my time was a personal best and I got a medal.

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Friday June 2nd.

Alcohol Units: 1.
Weight: 126 pounds.
Cigarettes: 0.
Calories: 1000-2000.
Max. circumference of thigh: 22 inches.

Results of blood test: Depressing.

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Apparently I’m a superficial comedian. I live for laughs and applause and the occasional planned awkward silence. I don’t accept all that guff about boos and groans being the same as laughs, I think it’s largely a myth spread by mediocre comics.

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?At 4:48 when depression visits I shall hang myself to the sound of my lovers breathing?

From 4:48 Psychosis, by Sarah Kane

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Look at the photo. Beautiful view isn’t it. The Grand Canyon. The picture really doesn’t do it justice, probably because the Canyon is around 270 miles long and the photo isn’t.

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I?ve been calling my mother more frequently. I made the mistake of asking the pub where she?s having her 80th birthday lunch to send her a set of menus to choose from. They sent seven different options. Each with a choice of three starters, three mains and three desserts. I then compounded this by suggesting we could create our own tailored menu, based off the seven versions. Silly silly me.

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I just got an email from Starbucks, promoting a movie called ?Akeelah and the bee?.

?Coming soon – a must see movie from Starbucks Entertainment.’

Thanks Starbucks, but I don?t need your Entertainment, or your emails. A consistently priced Latte no matter which branch I go into would be nice. Isn?t that what homogenisation is about?

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