Nemesis

My nemesis, Maggie Gallant, is at it again. Today I got an email from a producer wanting to talk to me about my views on cowboy boots for a film she’s making. Apparently she had read my great quotes on cowboy boots in the Times last February.

I suppose this alternate Maggie Gallant, trend expert and publicist, isn’t much of a nemesis as she hasn’t really done anything to me, except steal my name. But I’ve never really had a nemesis before and therefore if I say she is, then she is and there’s nothing she can do about it. Except be a nemesis back, which will be good because it’ll make her a more proper nemesis.

I’ve written previously (click, scroll down) about the amazing parallels in our lives and even though I’m still the top hit if you google our name, she does seem to get more press exposure than me. However, that’s because she chooses topics and makes statements that are likely to grab media attention, which is of course entirely the wrong way to go about being a publicist. It’s certainly not the way I went about things when I did PR for AOL.

Last September I got 2 emails from women wanting to know about the range of Pupperware that I’d apparently been promoting on Good Morning America, in my capacity as Animal Planet Pet Trend Expert. If Maggie Gallant had been doing her job then surely she would have given proper follow up/contact information. As it was, these poor desperate women had to google our name which took them to my website, where undeterred by my bio on stand-up, acting and voiceover work and, despite no mention of pets, Animal Planet, or Good Morning America, leave me a message. It’s all very well her using my name, but she’s creating extra work for me because I then had to write back regretting that I had no knowledge of Pupperware. If you’re interested though, I did look it up and found that it’s a range of plastic containers that allow you to store and stack household pets to keep them fresh when they’re not in use. Sizes can accommodate a hamster right up to a labrador retriever, though admittedly there’s not much manouvering room at that point and you can’t really keep it in the refrigerator, though a cool dry place is a good alternative.

And now with yesterday’s email about cowboy boots, it seems that I have a separate job on my hands just keeping up with Maggie Gallant’s media clippings so I can be prepared. I very much doubt that she does the same for me. Naturally I had to research exactly what she said about cowboy boots, so here it is:

“Women down South and out West have always known that wearing cowboy boots with a cocktail dress is as acceptable as wearing them with jeans.”

“This is an article of clothing that has a sense of humor to it,” says Gallant. “Unlike a no-mess-around shoe, like a Manolo Blahnik stiletto, the casual cowboy boot expresses a different side to your personality … That you don’t have to be fancy to have style.”

Not exactly ground-breaking quotes are they? I could be so much more interesting, I could offer the contra-view, that one that says cowboys boots are ugly, make your calves look huge and scream ‘junior leaguer on her day-off’. I could then insult Willie Nelson and armadillos. The producer said that the film also features Lyle Lovett – excellent choice, Kinky Friedman – no surprise there and Dr Laura – that most famous of cowboy boots wearer. Surely she’d be better off with a pair of no-nonsense, lacking in humour Manolo stilettos that would insult her intelligence and interrupt any conversation she tried to have.

Of course there is some fun to be had with this double-identity lark and I could just go along with the interview and slip in my subversive anti-cowboy boot remarks and thus help to change societal attitudes and maybe even end the war. But I fear the accent might just give it away a bit.

Maybe copycat Maggie Gallant could make my life a bit easier by commenting on something I know about. Admittedly, I’m a bit unclear on what that might be. At the very least, in her capacity as fashion expert she could start promoting my trend-setting style of Old Navy black t-shirt, Lucky jeans and Pumas. I’m sure you could do it Gallant, you’re that good.

By the way, please don’t comment on cats. I really don’t like cats. Unless they’re firmly sealed in Pupperware containers.