Singing not drowning

I thought I had the whole ageing thing figured out – seen some of it already happen, thought I knew what else to expect and was grudgingly prepared for it. Silvery streaks in my hair, subcutaneous inner-tube (fast-inflate) around my middle, brown spots on my face that are more likely to be age spots than Kaposi’s Sarcoma and thus an early sign that I have AIDS.

Been obsessing about all these things this week as I was supposed to get new headshots done. I don’t really want new headshots as it suggests a certain renewed commitment to acting and to taking it seriously. But also because I still haven’t really figured out what I’m doing with my hair. Sadly, the old ones don’t look much like me anymore and at least the very thought of going to a photoshoot got me to the dentist for the first time in four years. Also started using the expensive face creams made from sheep’s bladder that my ageless Westlake dermatologist recommended as she assessed my face while injecting her lineless forehead with a few vials of Botox.

Photoshoot was cancelled because of the rain and inability to shoot in natural light and so I feel like I’ve been given some kind of prisoner style reprise. Now I have an extra two weeks to turn into Kate Moss waif-like model, or at least to lose my inner tube and get some of the pillow creases out of my face from a really good nap last week.

Went to my first singing class on Sunday. My goal is to be able to sing We Are The Champions at my show in July rather than just shout it as if drunk and yelling on the street, which used to be the case. So I channelled a bit of Freddie, worked my overbite and did my rendition of the song in front of the teacher and classmates. The feedback was fine until the teacher said I was developing a bit of an ‘OLD LADY WARBLE’. 

Good god, no. She went on to demonstrate, as if she worried that merely saying ‘old lady warble’ wasn’t clear enough to me. You can get the same effect yourself by singing any song in the key of Katherine Hepburn (circa On Golden Pond). You could also gargle. It’s the same sound my mother and her cronies make when singing about poor Jesus in church. As if he hadn’t suffered enough.

Apparently the onset of old lady warble can be staved off, just requires a strengthening of the vocal chords and a loosening of the throat. That’s what it’s all about at this age, tightening and loosening the various body parts. Just hope I don’t get my vag confused with my throat. Wouldn’t be the first time of course.

Had to go back to the studio yesterday to work with the teacher on selecting a load of songs which will be my pool of material to choose from over the next 8 weeks or so. I seem to have based my choices on nostalgic reminiscences rather than songs appropriate to my voice or gender. So my list includes Meatloaf ‘Two out of three ain’t bad’, Monty Python ‘Always look on the bright side’ and Phil Collins ‘Against all odds’. And yeah, Jack and Diane’s on there too. After I perused the list, the teacher went through so now I also have ‘All that jazz’ from Chicago and Levon which apparently is an old Elton John song. Never heard of it, but can’t complain too much as my initial selections included ‘Your Song’ which is only slightly less noxious than Phil Collins.

I think I’m going to give Lola a go, because Kinks are cool and I like singing L-O-L-A-LOLA, though teacher may require me to change the arrangement and turn it into a showtune. And anyway, cool factor will be lost on the 13 year old participant in class. But at least by the end of her set I’ll know a new Hannah Montana song