Better dead than ‘She Shed’

The latest bollocks from the Huffington Post. I can’t stand this kind of patronising,worthless garbage . My suggested improvements are noted in red. Feel free to create your own.

‘She Sheds’ Are The New Man Caves

Posted: Updated:
 

First, there were actual caves. Then came man caves. So what’s the next hot thing in gender-specific sanctuaries? Meet the “she shed,” a backyard haven for busy women seeking a quiet reprieve from the world.

We’ve rounded up some of our favorites, from the humble aluminum-sided storage shed to the tricked-out den retreat. (‘Tricked-out’? Like a sex dungeon?)

Get inspired, then get away from everyone. (yeah, Goddess, get that useless dick of a husband to watch the bloody kids, you’re going to your special place)

1. First, Define The Purpose Of Your She Shed.
Whether it’s for reading, crafting or indulging a fave hobby, like gardening.
(When we say ‘gardening’ we mean masturbation, you know, a little bit of double-digging. And yes go ahead, fling those doors wide open because we love being watched while getting sucked on by mosquitoes)

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Related: 18 Cool DIY Projects.
(Please let there be a build-your-own Menstruating Tent)


2. Or Simply Make It About Chilling Out
.
No dirt allowed in this elegant hideaway.
(And when we say dirt, we’re looking at you, you sub-$250,000 a year income earning scum)

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3. Make It Fancy

Ever say, “This is why we can’t have nice things”? Solution: Put all your nice things in your own private place (shove them up your vag?)  Hello, crystal chandelier collection.
(Fuck, where did I put my crystal chandeliers? Has Laura Ashley been sick in here again?)

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4. Sometimes, A Gal Just Needs A Moment To Herself

(correct. see Define the Purpose of your She-Shed, above).
And a 45-minute nap in a padlocked hut finished with coordinating throw pillows. (Padlocked from the outside if he’s got any sense)

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Related: 13 Ways To Save Time Throughout The Day.
(1. Don’t take a 45 minute nap in a padlocked hut)

5. Serenity Now
Bedeck your bungalow with ivy and practically disappear into nature.
(Don’t bother. If you’re over 50 and enjoy coordinating throw pillows you’re already invisible. Not even your cat will see you).

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6. Treehouse Chic

Just add lights, a daybed and a glass of wine.
(Maybe the swarm of moths will keep you company)

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Related: The Treehouse Is The New Hotel.
(New W Hotel concept, $500 a night for a wooden plank and a pillow*) 
*Pillow is extra

7. A Fresh Coat Of Paint Goes A Long Way
The secret to transforming any shed into a personal reprieve.
(Reprieve? You do know that means cancellation or suspension of punishment? Are you a serial killer?)

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Related: The 4-Step Guide To Painting Furniture (Infographic)
(1. Buy paint. 2. Buy brush. 3. Get furniture that needs painting. 4. Paint furniture.
optional: draw pictures of these things)

8. As Does A Trip To The Salvage Yard.
(A fun outing for the whole family. And then pop over to the ER to deal with the blood poisoning from touching rusty shit. Maybe next week you  could take an informative and whacky tour of the abbatoir)

This guy is made from recycled glass doors and windows.
(Really? Because sometimes don’t we all need a guy made from recycled glass and windows. A bit fragile, open and transparent with his emotions. Yeah bollocks to that, I need a man made from 8 inch nails and semen)

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(Knock knock, hello? Miss Haversham, are you in there?)

9. Hang A Hammock For A Lazy Day you lazy twat
Um, is that an outdoor shower?
(How the eff do I know? You built the bloody thing)

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Related: How To Get Into A Hammock Gracefully (VIDEO)
(Don’t even try you clumsy oaf, this isn’t for you)

10. What Makes You Feel Relaxed?
(see Define the Purpose of your She-Shed, above. Haven’t we been clear enough already on this?)
For some, it’s about blurring the line between indoor and outdoor space…for others it’s pot.

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11. And For Others…

It’s about creating a glorified bunker that says, “leave me be.” “I have stockpiled guns.”

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12. Keep It Contemporary
With minimalist accessories and clean, modern lines.
(And for added discomfort, invite your Ob-Gyn for a drink and optional pap smear).

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13. Or Really Own Your Theme
Like this quirky Zen den fit for a yoga goddess.
(Bloody gypsies).

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And For That Rare Time You’re Feeling Neighborly
Throw open the door, add bar stools and a few bottles. The backyard pub is open for business. (And no-one will come. So drink away, you sad soul).

Related: The Ultimate Outdoor Cocktail Guide
(1. Make a cocktail of your choice. 2. Take it outside. 3. Drink it)

 

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