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80 and still kicking around

The Queen is 80. Buckingham Palace has released 80 extraordinarily dull facts about her. I’ve listed the best.

Queen’s website

The Queen was born at 17 Bruton St, London W1 on 21 April 1926, was christened on 29 May 1926 in the private chapel at Buckingham Palace, and was confirmed on 28 March 1942 in the private chapel at Windsor Castle.

1. In 2005, The Queen claimed ownership of 88 cygnets on the river Thames.

They were immediately imprisoned and put to work in the Royal Household as footmen and scullery maids. SAS rescue attempts have so far proved futile.

2. The Queen speaks fluent French and often uses her language skills for Audiences and State Visits. Her Majesty does not require an interpreter.

Except when George W Bush comes to visit.

3. The Queen has received over 3 million items of correspondence during her reign.

When she can?t be bothered to reply, she just stamps them ?Not Known at this Address? and chucks them back in the post box.

4. The Queen is patron of more than 620 charities and organisations.

But try getting her to open your charity fete.

?She’s not available, have you got any other patrons??
?Could probably get you a deal on Gloria Hunniford?.
?Alright, done?.

5. Many of The Queen’s official tours were undertaken on the Royal Yacht Britannia. It was launched by Her Majesty on 16 April 1953 and was commissioned for service on 7 January 1954. It was de-commissioned in December 1997. During this time, Britannia travelled more than a million miles on Royal and official duties.

And a couple of offshore pot parties.

6. During her reign, The Queen has received many unusual gifts including a variety of live animals. The more unusual animals have been placed in the care of the London zoo, among them jaguars and sloths from Brazil, and two black beavers from Canada.? The Queen has also received gifts of pineapples, eggs, a box of snail shells, a grove of maple trees and 7kg of prawns.

She turned the last five items into a banquet for French president Jacques Chirac.

7. The Queen has sent around 100,000 telegrams to centenarians in the UK and the Commonwealth.

It?s a form of culling as a lot of stubborn pensioners hold out till 100 just to receive the telegram, but then seem to die days after

8. The Queen’s real birthday is on April 21, but it is celebrated officially in June.

My real birthday is December 30. But I celebrate the day I shagged Erik on October 3rd.

9. The Queen has attended 34 Royal Variety performances.

So give the poor woman a bit of a break.

10. The Queen has opened 15 bridges in the United Kingdom during her reign.

?Lordy, my bloody biceps are killing me Philip?.

11. The Queen has launched 23 ships in her lifetime.

‘C?mon love, you?ll have to push harder than that, put your back into it.’

12. The Queen has given out about 78,000 Christmas puddings to staff continuing the custom of King George V and King George VI. In addition, The Queen gives all her staff a gift at Christmas time.

“It?s the gift of another day alive. Make sure you?re back here on Boxing Day you lazy good-fer-nothings”.

13. Every year The Queen sends Christmas trees to Westminster Abbey, Wellington Barracks, St Paul’s Cathedral, St Giles, Edinburgh, The Canongate Kirk, Edinburgh, Crathie Church and local schools and churches in the Sandringham area.

Dear Your Maj, thanks for the tree. Again. But we bought one of our own, it comes with its own tinsel and lights. So could you stop sending these, the needles drop everywhere and we?ve got allergies. Cheers.

14. The Queen learnt to drive in 1945 when she joined the Army.

And that?s how the war was won.

15. The Queen was a Girl Guide in 1937 and a Sea Ranger in 1943.

And a mighty morphin? Power Ranger in 1993.

16. Princess Elizabeth travelled on the London Underground for the first time in May 1939 with her governess Marion Crawford and Princess Margaret.

They traveled on the Northern Line and got stuck in the tunnel between Balham and Tooting Broadway for 25 minutes.

17. The first football match The Queen attended was the 1953 FA Cup Final.

She kept shouting ?up the Arsenal? and gobbed on her bodyguard

18. The Queen sat for the first and only hologram portrait in 2003.

It?s so cool. When you move the hologram from side to side it looks like she?s waving at you. Awesome.

19. The Queen has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign, starting with Susan who was a present for her 18th birthday in 1944. A good proportion of these have been direct descendants from Susan.

Susan the slut.

20. The Queen also introduced a new breed of dog known as the “dorgi” when one of Her Majesty’s corgis was mated with a dachshund named Pipkin which previously belonged to Princess Margaret .. Who was previously mated with a hamster.

21. There have been 11 sculptures of The Queen.? The most recent was in 2005 by Miss Angela Conner for St George’s Chapel, Windsor.

Angela chose to depict Her Majesty as a Quorgi, a cross between a Queen and a corgi. She was later beheaded.

22. The Queen has met the following astronauts at Buckingham Palace:

a. The first astronaut to go into space – Russian? – Major Yuri Gagarin.

b. The first woman in space – Russian – Mrs Valentina Tereschkova.

c. The first man on the moon – American – Neil Armstrong – and the other American astronauts, Michael Collins and Edwin Aldrin.

She snubbed the space-monkeys, saying they were nasty rabid little creatures that needed a wash.

23. History was made in 1982 when Pope John Paul II visited Britain, the first Pope to do so for 450 years. The Queen, Titular Head of the Church of England, received him at Buckingham Palace.


24. As well as corgis and dorgis, The Queen also breeds and trains Labradors and Cocker Spaniels at Sandringham.? There is a special Sandringham strain of black Labrador founded in 1911.

Fortunately, they?re close to finding the vaccine for it.

25. The Queen takes a keen interest in horses and racing.? Her Majesty’s first pony was given to her by her grandfather, King George V, when she was four years old. This was a Shetland pony called PEGGY. The Queen continues to ride at Sandringham, Balmoral and Windsor.

Prince Charles still rides his old donkey, CAMILLA, every day.

26. The Queen’s racing colours are: Purple body with gold braid, Scarlet sleeves and Black velvet cap with gold fringe.

When the jockey rides by, the stands ring out with cries of ?you poofter?.

27. The Queen’s wedding ring was made from a nugget of Welsh gold which came from the Clogau St David’s mine near Dolgellau. The official wedding cake was made by McVitie and Price Ltd, using ingredients given as a wedding gift by Australian Girl Guides.

Ingredients included a eucalyptus, wallaby tail and a disgruntled sheep shearer.

28. In 1997, The Queen launched Buckingham Palace’s first official website.

The clipart of Diana?s funeral is brilliant.

29. In 1998, The Queen introduced “theme days” to promote and celebrate aspects of British culture. The first theme day was “City Day” focusing on financial institutions. Other themes have included Publishing, Broadcasting, Tourism, Emergency Services, Maritime Day, Music, Young Achievers, British Design, and Pioneers.

Note: No mention of sports.

30. The Queen hosted the first women’s only event “Women of Achievement” at Buckingham Palace in March, 2004.

Apparently it took them that long to find enough women that qualified.

31. In November 2004, The Queen invited the cast of Les Miserables in the West End to perform for French President Jacques Chirac at Windsor Castle.? It was the first time the cast of a West End musical had performed at a Royal residence.

For German Chancellor Angela Merkel?s visit, the Queen has requested a musical version of Schindler?s List.

32. Technically The Queen still owns the sturgeons, whales and dolphins in the waters around the UK. A statute from 1324, at the time of the reign of King Edward II , states that:

“Also the King shall have … whales and sturgeons taken in the sea or elsewhere within the realm.”

This statute is still valid today, and sturgeons, porpoises, whales and dolphins are recognised as ‘Fishes Royal’. When captured within three miles of UK shores, or washed ashore either dead or alive, they may be claimed on behalf of the Crown.

Back off marine biologists. There?s nothing like a nice bit of whale and porpoise pie for tea at the palace.