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I just got an email from Starbucks, promoting a movie called ?Akeelah and the bee?.

?Coming soon – a must see movie from Starbucks Entertainment.’

Thanks Starbucks, but I don?t need your Entertainment, or your emails. A consistently priced Latte no matter which branch I go into would be nice. Isn?t that what homogenisation is about?

It probably is my fault that I?m on their mailing list and if they hadn?t sent me this nonsense then I might remain on it. But I?m taking a stand and clicking unsubscribe. I may even take them up on their offer to send my comments to the Starbucks Coffee Company in Seattle. Unlikely though, because you have to send them by mail and I?m lazy.

So, Akeelah and the bee. The accompanying emailed image shows a girl standing at a mic, staring out at a panel of judges and audience members. Presumably at a spelling bee. I know that she must be the underdog because her clothes look second hand, but kooky in a Molly Ringwald ‘I’m different’ kind of way. Also, her hair is very frizzy. Bad sign.

The promo continues:

?Once in a great while, a movie comes along that makes us want to stand up and cheer.?

I recommend watching this movie at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin because if anyone dare stand up and cheer, the staff cut them. And throw them out.

?Akeelah and the Bee is just that kind of film. Go see it with your friends and family. It may help you spell better. It will definitely make you feel better.?

I?m sensing that this movie is aimed at a younger age group than me. Presumably they?re targeting 11 year old coffee drinkers and I got caught in the database by mistake. If not then I feel insulted at their attempts to lure me to this movie. Particularly its suggestion that it may help me spell better.

I can assure Starbucks Entertainment that spelling holds no fear for me. My confidence comes from being given an Oxford English dictionary and thesaurus combo set when I was 8. I would have preferred a new bike, but its benefits would have been fleeting. What?s a few less friends compared to a lifetime of spelling superiority?

Secondly, I don?t like the presumption that even if it can?t help my spelling then it?ll make me feel better. I feel horrible right now, angry, full of self-doubt and hatred for most people around me. Watching a frizzy haired hand-me-down kid trying to spell is unlikely to lighten my mood. And if you are 11 and rubbish at spelling then surely the film?s message should be:

?It may help you spell better. It will definitely make you feel stupid?

bee more motivational.

In other movie news:-

Robin Williams has got a new movie coming out. Will he play an interesting character like the psychopath in One Hour Photo? No. It?s about a man who drives an RV around the country while he tries to reconnect with his family and save his job. You can imagine the wild horseplay and goofy high jinks that will ensue as everything goes wrong and he struggles to make them right. In the end, they all learn a valuable lesson. Robin Williams’ movies are shit.

Will RV be as good as Flubber? Who can tell. A magical piece of green gunk that can make a car fly is hard to top.

Of course Robin Williams doesn?t need Starbucks to promote his movie. We already know the story.

‘Robin Williams. He?ll appear on your screen and say funny things and make faces. He?s the clown who cries.’

And it won’t even matter if you’re illiterate. Or deaf. Or blind. You just have to bee stupid.