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How to Live Like Freddie Mercury or WWFD

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This originated as a few thoughts sent to a freelance writer who was trying to pitch a story about my upcoming show, ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’. It didn’t fly with the editor, so I’m recycling it.

Freddie Mercury had it all:- fame; fortune; adoration; a dodgy moustache.
And now you can too — here’s how:

1. Having an overbite gives you a natural Freddie Mercury advantage. If you’re already blessed with one, chuck out the braces and delight in your mild speech impediment. But careful with the BJs, you don’t want to be known as the potato peeler. Or carrot grater, onion skinner, shaft shucker, etc.

2. Black eyeliner will give you that 70s Freddie glam rock look. However, if you’re under 30 you may be mistaken for an Adam Lambert groupie. Over 30 and you’ll be taken for the sad old twat that you are.

3. Tell people you’re bisexual. Everyone will know this really just means gay but it makes you a lot more palatable to the phobics if you also claim to like vag.

4. Burst into impromptu falsetto scales when in a group of 3 or more people, no matter where you are. And never leave home without your sawn-off microphone stand with which you can perform lewd sexual gestures.

5. Go through your day with the Flash Gordon theme playing constantly in your head. You’ll get everything done faster and you may actually save the world.

6. Quote endlessly from Queen song lyrics, starting each sentence with “as Freddie would say…”. People always love that.

7. If, like Freddie, you were cursed at birth with an ethnic name (Farrouk Bulsara), go ahead and change it. Take the first name of your favorite horror film character (Freddy, Jason, Michael, Hannibal, Chucky) and one of the planets for your last name. You’ll sound so much cooler (and shaggable) as Jason Jupiter.

8. Write one of the best-selling singles of all time. And take the secret of its meaning to your grave.

9. Live a fabulous life and never give a toss about what anyone thinks about you. Especially the critics.

‘Don’t Stop Me Now’, a new play about an obsessive Freddie Mercury fan, who bases her life’s decisions on WWFD (What Would Freddie Do?). The City Theatre, 3823 Airport Blvd, Austin. Opens Saturday July 11 at 10pm for performance times and tickets.