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Royal nonsense

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Hello Kate,

Like most people here and in England, I’m not all that bothered about your wedding. When Diana (sorry to bring her up – is the whole wearing your dead mother-in-law’s ring thing a bit weird?) got married, she seemed to want the carriage, puffy sleeve dress, flag-waving northerners and all that palava. But you seem a bit embarrassed by it all and that makes the rest of us uncomfortable. Frankly you’re a bit too ordinary. I know you’re a commoner like me, but I worked in PR with people posher than you. I get more glitz and glamour from an episode of the Real Housewives (except for the bints of New Jersey).

Plus, no matter how big and royal your wedding is, it will never top mine. Especially as you’ve chosen to spend your last night before becoming Diana at the Goring Hotel. Sorry, but we did that 12 years and 5 days ago.

When I say we, it was actually just me plus two pregnant bridesmaids in a junior suite. Erik stayed at our flat 2 miles away, thus saving us a year’s salary in hotel charges.

In fact we went a step further than you and had our whole wedding reception at the Goring AND spent our honeymoon night there. Tons better than Buckingham Palace as it’s a shorter walk to the Orange Brewery where we ended up after the wedding reception. From there it was an easy stumble back to the hotel, pausing only for Erik to pee in the bushes. Which I’m strictly not allowed to mention.

But I admire your similar taste, as the Goring is a fantastic hotel. Loads of famous people have stayed there. I read that your grandmother-in-law, the Queen Mother went there on one of her last outings before death. They say you can sometimes get the waft of gin and Werthers Originals down the third floor hallway.

Do you know about the Goring Hotel sheep? Very famous for them. Old man Goring collected stuffed sheep and put them in the guest and public rooms. In our brochure it said that Mr Goring used to go around the rooms fluffing up the sheep. I’m not sure if sheep-fluffing would be as acceptable today as it once was. Perhaps at Balmoral.

So is the Goring going to start charging ridiculous money to sleep in your room? Will scores of Japanese tourists be asking for the Kate suite? Here’s where I wish you were a bit more boozy/trashy/Fergie-like so the chambermaids could make some money from your morning-after room. Are we allowed to call them chambermaids anymore?  I’ll freely admit that my pre-wedding night with two preggo bridesmaids was pretty sedate. Hot tea and lots of peeing.

And one final tip, if you need a drink to steady your nerves, the Goring Hotel bar is excellent, lots of leather chairs and more sheep. And the best cheese straws you’ll ever have. And they’re free!

Anyway, that’s it really. Just wanted to let you know why I won’t be watching you on BBC America, starting at 3am Eastern time. And I’m attaching a few photos from our bash at the Goring,  just in case you want to see what 5 thousand quid used to buy you.

Anyway, good luck with the whole not-being-Diana thing


Click on photo to see full image.