25 Ways to be Irrelevant

Simple Ways To Be Happier In 2016

Do you make New Year resolutions? I don’t bother because they usually fall off my radar by mid January. Starting the year with failure is not my goal.

Here are 25 simple things I will incorporate into my days in 2016. I don’t need to do each one, everyday, to be moving toward my goal. Here’s how I intend to improve myself, my life and my happiness in 2016.

1~ Not check into my email or social media before 9 a.m.
Check your WiFi connection at 9:01 a.m. Hit refresh at 9:02 a.m. Call Time Warner. Replace your router. Spend the rest of the day wondering why nobody’s liked your article.

2~ Use my 5 Minute Gratitude Journal to remember the blessings in my life. Gratitude creates happiness and happiness is my goal. Use the remaining 4:30 minutes to tell everyone on social media about your gratitude journal and don’t forget the hashtag #blessed.

3~ Focus on today. Reliving the past and anticipating the future wastes my present.
Yeah what a bloody waste of time ‘A Christmas Carol’ was. Screw Dickens. Wrap today up in a huge fucking bow with a note from your imaginary dog saying I Wuv You.

4~ Let go of my need to convince others of my opinion.
Go ahead, spout any old nonsense. Don’t even bother to check it on Snopes. Why should you? Hashtag #beingme

5~ Pay closer attention to my body’s signals. If I feel a knot in my stomach, it means I’m making a bad choice. Or the IBS is back.

6~ Stop overcommitting my time and simplify my life.
Tell everyone that this is your intention for 2016 so they’ll have the impression that you were busy and overcommitted in 2015. Is it time for your shift at the cat shelter yet?

7~ Get out in nature everyday to connect with the majesty around me.
Don’t forget your iPhone so you can get a picture of yourself with a tree. Hashtag #nature

8~ Become more aware of the negative messages that creep into my self-talk, and change them. You useless bag of shite, you couldn’t even change a lightbulb 

9~ Treat myself to some pampering, self-care every day.
Masturbate for 20 minutes.

10~ Meditate for 20 minutes every morning to quiet the chatter in my brain.
Do this before no. 9. It’s best to masturbate with a clear head. Plus that’s 40 minute of your day gone. Only another 11 hours and 20 minutes to fill.

11~ Be aware of the quality of food I put into my body. Quality is as important as quantity. Buy only Hass advocados. Eat 12 of them.

12~ Remember to thank people for their kindness.
Use a sarcastic tone whether they’ve been kind or not. Then tell them it’s an affliction and you can’t help it. Use a sarcastic tone for this too.

13~ Spend less time at my computer and more time talking to loved ones.
Yep because everyone in the family loves the relative who refuses to use email or skype and wants to talk ‘in person’. So go ahead, call at inconvenient times, turn up unannounced and enjoy those superficial conversations about Dancing with the Stars and your Magic Bullet blender

14~ Focus on the positive things in my life. Focusing on the negative is like praying for more of it. Great. Find someone with depression. Then tell them they must have prayed for it and brought it on themselves. Offer to buy them a gratitude journal.

15~ Spend time stretching each day. The older I get the more important it is to be flexible, in both mind and body.
Do a lunge in your elasticated waist lycra-rich leisure pants every time your brain connects immigrants with ISIS.

16~ Don’t compare myself to others.
At this age you’ll never win.

17~ Practice kindness. What goes around, comes around, and I want good karma knocking at my door.
Unless good karma is asking you to buy a magazine subscription so that some high school students can go on a mission trip to the Maldives. In which case slam the door in good karma’s pointy little face.

18~ Embrace forgiveness. Remember the lessons learned, but forgiving releases negative energy I’m hanging on to.
Or just give it a few years and wait for the dementia to set in. Forgive and forget without the annoying forgiving part.

19~ Schedule time to be silent each day. No music, TV, books or talking. Simply being quiet to hear my own thoughts.
Learn how it feels to be lonely so you’ll be prepared later on.

20~ Be open to new experiences and let my life unfold without a white knuckled grasp on how I want it to be.
Unless one of those new experiences is hang gliding.

21~ Continue my Morning Pages, which helps empty the clutter that clogs my thoughts.
But do them in the afternoon so that at least you’ll have something scheduled. Plus you’ll have had time to find some thoughts on Facebook.

22~ Drink more water and less wine.
Then gather a few thousand friends on a hillside and pray for the second coming of Jesus. Hashtag #freewine

23~ Continue to organize and clear clutter from my life.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E?

24~ Remember that I am enough and dump my need for approval from others.
Taken from ‘A self-delusional’s guide to being friendless’. Hashtag #sorrynotsorry

25~ Practice non-judgement. Accept people and things as they are.
Your opinion is irrelevant at this age anyway.

How are you planning to be happier in 2016?

Posting sarcastic responses to stupid Huffington Post/Post50 articles.