I Watched Meghan Markle’s Show So You Don’t Have To 

Except we’re not calling her Meghan Markle anymore. She is Meghan, Duchess of Sussex. But for ease, we’ll call her M-Dos. Yes, like an outdated operating system. This show feels like a terrible malfunction.

This “serene lifestyle series” is aspirational in that white-and-cream-linen-with-a-side-of-smug kind of way that reminds me of NPR’s The Splendid Table. The episode opens with a bee landing on a flower, because this episode is called “Hello, Honey.” Does everything need a, comma, Meghan?

Breaking News: Meghan Has Hives

We’re informed that the key to beekeeping is to keep a low tone and use our ‘bee voice,’ which means whispering. We mustn’t upset the bees. They might realize they’re part of this pretentious drivel.

M-Dos floats in, clad in a pristine beekeeper suit, with perfectly arranged face-framing tendrils. But she’s afraid to smoke out the bees herself so she enlists the help of her mysterious weirdy beardy bee pal.

Good Vibes for Good Hives! Quick, someone trademark that before Hobby Lobby prints it on a distressed whitewashed wood sign.

M-Dos explains that it’s important to do something that scares you (but not smoking bees).

“We’re going to have a lot of money.”

No, wait, that’s honey. My bad.

Meanwhile, in a Random Kitchen

Now we’re in someone’s kitchen, admiring close-ups of M-Dos’s gold watch and expensive jewelry. The lesson? If you’re wealthy enough, even stirring a pot can be an exercise in quiet luxury.

M-Dos is thoughtfully curating the guest experience for Daniel, an old friend. This means deciding what to place on his bedside table and in his bathroom. The winner? Bath salts. Why? Maybe Daniel is 80 and enjoys lying in undissolved grit.

Her Personal Revelation: Meghan is Not Modest with Bath Salts

Bugger me, that’s a huge jar. Hope Dan doesn’t have any paper cuts (foreshadowing).

Now we’re making a “curated” tea bag for the bath. Apparently, just throwing a Tazo herbal tea bag in there is for peasants.

Another Personal Revelation: Meghan eats junk food too. 

But since the peanut butter pretzel company didn’t cough up a sponsorship, we don’t get to know the brand. Instead, she shovels them into a cellophane bag, and voila! A rich person’s bathtime snack curation.

Dan Arrives!

Finally! The man himself. Poor sod probably went to Meghan’s actual house first.

M-Dos and Daniel have been friends for 15 years. Not exactly a lifetime, is it? Our dog has been alive for 14 years, and I know for a fact she’d rather die than take a salt bath.

We learn that the kids call him “Uncle Daniel,” which has definite Daniel Cleaver vibes from Bridget Jones.

Pea Talk 

Some truly riveting conversation about peas. They’re served in the shell. Daniel calls them “green pearls.”
Oh, that’s so sweet, M-Dos coos.

Dan’s Disaster

Oh no! That idiot has cut his finger while chopping some veg. He’s going to love that salt bath later.

“I’m a leftie,” he declares. 
Cool, cool. Us too. Don’t make things awkward.

Moving on.

Le Creuset & One Pot Spaghetti

I’m fascinated by this skillet spaghetti dish  but I wish Dan would have brought over some Pot Noodles. Could have saved them a ton of time and you can still chuck in your chard in at the end. We learn that the kids are getting spaghetti leftovers in their lunchboxes. My condolences.

And now, back to honey.

A Shocking Personal Revelation: M-Dos thinks Honey is Too Sweet

Tone it down you dumb bees.

A song begins playing: “Come on sweet angel, take me to heaven now.”
…Is this what Harry wails right before he finishes?

Dipping Our Wicks

Wait, is anyone going to wash that Le Creuset pan? No? Fine. We’re onto candle-making now. The stranger’s house we’re still in has a whole shelf of ‘vessels.’

Does M-Dos know what dipping your wick is slang for? I bet Dan does.

Oh come on, Dan, what is wrong with you? He’s spilled wax everywhere.

Now what scent are we going with? Tricky. Gwyneth totally stole thunder here with her vagina.
Fresh-washed bumholes?

Daniel the Butler

Dan THE GUEST is yet again put to work. This time, cake-making.
Outfit change for Meghan. Another apron for Dan.

M-Dos declares the cake female. Because she is now in the fridge. And she can damn well stay there until she cools off. Women really are the worst to each other.

There’s a lot of poetic fluff here for what is literally just a Victoria Sponge.

“The beauty is on the inside,” we are reminded. Again. And again. Just in case we miss the metaphor.

The Final Insult: Tea Making

M-Dos threatens to make tea for Dan’s allergies. The sniveling wretch.

Ginger and lemon are sliced. Oh stupid me, it’s not tea—it’s an elixir.

Cheers! It looks like they’re toasting with matching urine samples.

Oh no, we’re whispering again. The lemons must be listening in.

And we wrap with the “beautiful on the inside” cake. Again.

Final Thoughts

This is not “feel good” TV for me.

Feel good TV is a British soap opera—gritty, grim, and guaranteed to make me feel better about my own life.

This was an artisanal endurance test. I will not be watching episode 2.