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White Jeans

How the hell has the mainstay of tampax advertisements – white jeans – become the new fashion must-have. It used to be that you only wore white jeans if you were being paid to stroll confidently down the beach displaying your pure white unsullied jeans crotch at the camera. Or if you were Liz ‘sticking with the 80s’ Hurley. Or you were perma-tan Donatella Versace, who I foolishly hoped had hammered the final nail in the white jean coffin when she brought out a fragrance called Versace White Jeans. Wonder what that scent was based on. Hopefully not the same pair of jeans the tampax girl was wearing.

Supposedly white jeans are back in and celebs are falling for it. But at least with high end designers like Marc Jacobs and Seven for all Mankind they don?t seem to make anything over a size 4. Kate Moss can pull off wearing a pair of skinny white drainpipes because she?s still Kate Moss. While Victoria Beckam in the same jeans is still a chav.

Gap recently created a whole TV ad campaign around its white jeans and now even Wal-Mart has its own line, in sizes that sadly go way way above a 4 and use lycra to further deceive the wearer. The problem is that white jeans are the clothing equivalent of a TV camera, they add at least 10 pounds to the wearer. Any excess lumps are amplified into giant dough balls, the butt develops a third cheek and the little muffin top that peaks over your waistband sits like a ring around Saturn.

I?ve never wanted to be white jean woman. In fact, I can?t recall wearing any item of white denim despite my early crush on Wham and brief period of fancying David Lee Roth. However, I did actually falter last year. I took a pair of ?sale? white jeans into a changing room but had only got them as far as my knees when common sense hit. There was no chance I?d be strutting out of my cubicle on the pretense of needing a better view of myself in the full length mirror while really wanting everyone to stop and admire me. Not that this happens a lot.

I am boringly happy and maybe a little smug about my regularly colored jeans. They look good but don?t beg to be looked at, I don?t have to plan an outfit around them and overall, they hold the bits inside together pretty well.