I?m so angry today, I?m just spoiling for a fight. The wrong look, a fatuous comment, incompetent service, anything I can take the wrong way and I?ll kick off.
To the contractors working next door:
You?ve been hammering, drilling, jack hammering for two weeks now. I can barely hear myself think in my own home. You promised you?d be finished days ago. You seem to find it amusing that you haven?t. We just found out that you didn?t follow the building rules in starting the work in the first place.
To our new neighbor:
I dislike you even though I?ve never met you. You won?t like me either. If you weren?t happy with the apartment as it was, why did you purchase it? I hope someday to require building work that is as disruptive to you as yours is to me.
To the UN and leaders of the Western world:
Perhaps you weren’t aware, but the country of Niger is suffering its worst famine ever. Over 2.5 million people are at risk and many thousands will die in the next two months. They’ve been calling for your help for months but maybe you thought they were bluffing. Last year, $1 a day would have saved the life of one severely malnourished child. Now it’ll cost $80. You don’t need an Excel spreadsheet to work it out. Go ahead, plug your ears, stick your heads a bit further in the sand and shove your excuses up your asses.
To the people of the Western world:
Many of you won?t have heard of Niger. It?s in West Africa and is one of the world’s poorest countries. It doesn’t have any commodities we can exploit but we’ve made a nice bit of cash from those crippling debt repayments. But don?t feel bad about your ignorance, most news outlets don’t seem to have heard of Niger either. But as soon as they get some footage of children dying and mothers weeping they’ll be sure to let you know.
To stand-up comedy
Could you please stop feeding my insecurities. You know, building me up one night, only to knock me down the next. I don?t know why I chose you, but you gave me a little taste of success and now you’ve got me addicted. Every night I get a little more desperate for your approval.
To my former therapist
I really wanted to believe that you were helping me. That it wasn’t you that created the hell I was going through and then strung me along for months, telling me you and I had a ‘connection’. But I was wrong, you didn’t help me, you scarred me. You’re a dangerous man.