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Since joining Weightwatchers 4 weeks ago, I?ve lost a total of 1.6 pounds. Given that WW membership is $12 a week, that means I’ve spent ($48 divided by 1.6 equals?) — well a lot of money for not very much.

As I pondered my uselessness at both losing weight and remedial math, I read yet another article condemning ‘stick thin’ models. The organisers of Madrid fashion week has banned unhealthily thin models from the catwalk. Models who got that thin because it’s what the designers dictated, but of course that’s not hypocritical. Then our government stuck its oar in – because as the British get fatter, there’s nothing like blaming the thin people.

The British Culture Secretary, Tessa Jowell said:

“It’s categorically not an issue for government regulation. It is, however, an issue of major concern for young girls who feel themselves inferior when compared to the stick-thin young women on the catwalk. I think it’s fair to say that when they wake up in the morning, the first thing most 15- and 16-year-old girls do is feel their tummies.”

I’m pretty sure that my tummy wasn’t the first thing I felt when I woke up in the morning as a 16 year old. It was usually the face of whoever was lying next to me. Or somewhere further south of my tummy if alone.

This one was even more astounding:

‘Eleanor Laing, shadow Minister for Women, said: “I’m generally not in favour of banning things, but I do think that anyone in the business of promoting anything should do so in a responsible manner.’

The quote was shit, I just never knew there was a Minister for Women. I wonder if she shares an office with the Minister for Black People.

Models have always been skinny and we’ve always admired them. Remember Twiggy from the 60s? She was thin, like a twig, they didn’t call her Trunky. Models are supposed to take coke, have eating disorders, make a shed load of money and act vacuous. That’s how mother nature works.

After reading this and surfing for pictures of anorexics, I was feeling a bit crappy about such little weight loss. But then I read on the WW website that a 1 pound loss equals three sticks of butter. I started thinking about what it?d be like to eat three sticks of butter and I felt quite nauseous, which is probably just what the Weightwatcher people intended. Smart. Then I considered strapping the butter to my hips, which is where I’m hoping the 1.6 pounds used to reside, but I’ve only got that fake butter spread and when you slap it on it just slips down your leg and makes a mess

The great thing about Weightwatchers is the weekly meeting. It?s a wealth of comedic material. I don?t really like going there as I tend to get a lot of dirty looks from the other women. I?m waiting for one of them to ask me what I?m doing there so I can tell her that I?ve lost 40 pounds over the last year. It wouldn?t be true of course, but she’d have to apologise and I?d feel morally superior. In last week?s meeting, the theme was exercise. Now I try to be very supportive of anyone that?s trying to up their exercise, whatever the activity may be. Except when the activity is “doing some twirls at the coffee vending machine.” I was appalled and yet intruiged as to the type of twirling this woman engages in. Is it like in marching bands, where they have a baton? I wonder if she marches as well, because that would burn more calories and also provide more of an entertainment factor for her colleagues. In England, there?s a chocolate bar called Twirl. Maybe that’s it. Maybe she has them imported and ‘doing some Twirls’ is like drugs parlance. I suppose I?ll never know, as I had to leave the meeting at that moment with an unexpected burst of ?coughing?.

I think there should be a Comedy Weightwatchers programme, like with defensive driving. The instructors in this case would be intentionally humorous, but they wouldn?t be able to make any fat jokes so the meetings would be a lot shorter – probably a maximum 5 minutes. But you?d still get a decent calorific burn from all that laughing and rocking in your reinforced seat.

I’m already working on it so don?t even think about nicking my brilliant idea.