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Tonight is the opening night for my sketch show. Opening night may sound a bit grand for a show with only 2 performances, but at least we aren’t so pretentious as to give our show a title. Or to promote it all that heavily.

As one of the writers, I’m not quite sure how to behave during the show. The theater is very small so there’s no nervously hiding in the wings, listening to the audience reactions. Actually there’s only one wing which pretty much renders the theater flightless. I’m also appearing in one of the sketches (not my own), which requires me to crawl/slither on my stomach. So a lot of alcohol early on would be a mistake, especially for those sitting in the front row and wearing nice shoes. I could just sit in the back, nestled among the regular audience members but this could be awkward if no-one laughs during my sketches. Which will probably happen if there isn’t a sign warning the audience that ‘the following was written by a Brit’. Not that I’m hung up on that comment or anything. Will it be terribly obvious if I start laughing heartily in the hope that it’ll spur on the rest of them? Maybe I could try the reverse approach and just tut tut and shake my head in disgust.

People that know me might guess which sketches I wrote, especially as two of them include references to badgers. Not that the badger is uniquely British – the American badger is in fact the joint state animal of Wisconsin, along with the cheese monkey. In fact, Wisconsin is called the Badger State because apparently the early miners looked like badgers coming out of their holes. It was also the way the greedy miners foraged for food on the ground and made snorty noises.

So, please don’t ask me afterwards which sketches are mine. Because it’ll just be whichever ones you liked the best. And if say your favorites are ones I wrote, I’ll probably shift uncomfortably and accuse you of lying. Or ask you to repeat it, loudly.

Bit of a busy day today. I’ve got an audition at 1.00 for a local film, then I’ll waste a couple of hours thinking about exercising, by which time it’ll be too late to exercise and I’ll have to get to the theater for a final rehearsal.

Just got back from my audition. I realise that I could be a great actor if it weren’t for the auditioning bit. It’s very discriminatory. I always seem to give the impression of understanding exactly what I’ve been told to do, but then when they call action I act like an imbecile (as in retarded and French). I achieved a rare level of awkwardness in today’s audition and I needn’t fret about getting any more work from that particular director.

I shall now go and lie down and picture myself running effortlessly for at least six miles. Perhaps followed by a refreshing imaginary swim.


Sketch Show. Coldtowne Theater, Austin. 8pm. $7
Unmissable. Unless you’re ‘..a bit busy tonight but thanks for the invite and we’ll definitely try and make the next one.’