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Foot Ma(e)ssage

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“Happy Mother’s Day. I bought you some socks.”

“Oh, you really shouldn’t have.”

‘You’re right. It was lazy and uninspired and I fell for the stupid marketing on Facebook that said two pairs of socks in a cardboard box would make the perfect mother’s day gift.”

But wait, perhaps it wasn’t so bromidic because these aren’t any old socks. These are socks with a message.

Is the message ‘my daughter hates me’?

No, not like that, I mean a positive affirmation message. See these are special ‘Notes to Self’ socks.

Oh, okay. So I can write on them? Like a to-do list? 1. Disown child. 2. Burn socks. 3…

No, they’re to cheer you up when you’re feeling a bit rubbish in the morning.

Socks made of chocolate?


Caramel? Banoffee? Marshmallow cream? Gelato?

No. You put them on and immediately feel better because of what they say.

That I’ve won the lottery and can escape this endless pit of drudgery and despair?

No, they say ‘I am a great mom’.


Because it’s Mother’s Day and I want you to think that that’s what I think about you.

Hahahahha—–oh, sorry. What’s the second pair?

It says ‘I am beautiful and on the sole it says BEAUTIFUL in big pink letters.

But I have ugly cracked soles. I can’t perpetuate a lie.

It’s not about your feet.

How am I supposed to see it if it’s on the bottom of my foot?

You’ll just know it. You’ll walk taller.

Not with my scoliosis. How does it work?

It’s supposed to increase your confidence. It’s empowering.

Like Meghan Markle writing on the sex workers’ bananas?

Sort of, I suppose you could say you ‘peel’ off your socks at night!


Never mind.

Couldn’t I just write on my own feet?

Bit messy.

I’d write ‘I’m the Greatest Mom. Why don’t my socks say that?


Socks can’t lie? Look, forget the socks. How about some pears?

Don’t you dare click on that Harry & David website. I hate those gold-wrapped fuckers.

It’s either gold-wrapped pears or socks, mom. It’s Mother’s Day in the USA. What else did you expect to get?

Your title doesn’t work.


For this post. You can’t play off Foot Massage when you mean Foot Message. It’s not clever or funny.


I mean it. There’s no way to make it work. 

Again, thanks.
Happy Mother’s Day to the great and the grating.












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