For those following my blog (haha, well I can pretend) we are now in Week 3 of the Get Ripped challenge. As I write this I am eating some crackers and cheese which means I am winning as neither the crackers nor cheese are enveloped in dark chocolate.
Perusing other people’s food logs is fun in a judgmental, thank goodness I’m not keeping one kind of way. There seems to have been an awful lot of boiling of cow bones to create the temptingly-titled bone broth and some sort of bizarre fixation on make your own kimchi which involves fermenting cabbage. As I rarely make anything other than a cup of tea or coffee, I have no real understanding of this but I’m sure it’s as delicious as it sounds.
There’s also been a lot of eating of meat muffins. Again, possibly tasty but the name just sounds like a sex euphemism to me. ‘Fancy another meat-muffin love? No thanks, that last one you gave me filled me right up’. (ok, I know this is a bit of an ongoing theme in this blog, but totally not my fault when you come up with things like this).
And one more weird thing — a lot of people snacking on chia and hemp seeds. My only reference points for these are chia pets and hemp sacks, but I suspect I’m close on both flavor and texture. These seed mixes are becoming disturbingly popular and the nasty little snack packs that they sell in Whole Foods look like things you put into a bird feeder. If you really hate birds.
For added ugh-value, you can also dunk these seeds in coconut milk to fool yourself into believing it’s a dessert. But only if you’re an idiot.
Facebook is of course aware of my every move during this challenge and has therefore been posting annoying little ‘you may like’ promos in my feed. Yesterday there was one for something called Beyond Diet with the catchy title of ‘5 Foods Never to Eat after 45’.
However, I did see this strange little graphic on their site. I can get beyond the talking carrot, as vegetables are the least of my issues when it comes to anthropomorphizing. But I don’t really understand the carrot’s message or why it’s there. Are carrots one of the 5 foods never to eat? Do carrots make your belly fat? Or are carrots the only thing left to eat if you want to be skinny. In which case you can look as dumb, friendless and orange as this one. And don’t believe that all your carrot eating will leave you looking this svelte and smooth either. Ever heard of airbrushing? This carrot’s probably knobbly and covered in cow shit in real life.
Stupid carrot. This whole thing is probably just a spiteful move by the Carrot Council because they’re jealous of all the vegetables that people actually like to eat at Thanksgiving and Christmas. No-one celebrated the holiday season with a carrot. Unless they wanted to end up in the ER.
Of course I didn’t click the link to find out the 5 foods because Beyond Diet is just another money-grabbing diet program trotting out the same garbage as Dr Oz, Shape magazine and every other charlatan that wants you to believe it’s possible to trim down your belly or sculpt your thighs. Or to think that Zucchini Pizza could possibly be satisfying.
So here’s my counter-program, my until-now secret and free advice for everyone wanting to getting rid of their fat.
Stop eating crap. Sprint a bit. Lift heavy weights.
We all know by now that we should be eating foods in their natural state and cutting all the processed rubbish. The rest is personal choice. Do it. Don’t do it. Don’t blame anyone else.
So, Beyond Diet people, you can take your skinny carrot and shove it up your scrawny arse. Metaphorically speaking.