[Insert double-entendre]

My plan for sexing up your holiday is all about “The Erotic Equation” which is Obstacles + Prohibition + Yearning and Anticipation = Hot desire and erotic experiences.
[Is this the same equation they teach in AP-Algebra?] 

Rules of the Game:

There will be no sexual climaxes (orgasm) [if you needed that ‘orgasm’ clarification this article may not be for you] until the night that last candle is lit or that last package is opened under the tree. Period. This rule is very important to this game which is all about the four corners of erotic build. [or as I like to call it, a Meccano erector set]

Remember waiting for Santa to come? [not trying to be critical but waiting for Santa to ‘open his sack’ would have been a better line here] Or finally lighting that candle and getting your gift. You had to wait!

1. Develop your own themed sexting app! Perhaps it’s a daily picture of a sex toy that you are buying to give your partner, a daily picture of your bottom, or even a picture of a new sexual position that you want to try. Give it a name, like #12NaughtyPromises or #DailyLust [or #The7SexDwarves] Be creative about it! Include enticing messages to build anticipation for that final night. [#ThisPluckedChickenRemindedMeOfYou?]

2. Go to a sex toy store together then explore separately. Each of you fill your basket with toys, books or videos that you are curious about. Meet back up and look in each others basket of goodies, one at a time, with no peeking at what your partner is doing. Buy three things from their basket of desire that you are willing to experiment with. You should each be going home with three goodies to be shared on the final day.
[If a sex store is too intimidating, try PetSmart or PetCo for a gentler introduction to ‘toys’. Steer clear of the squeaky ones as they can spoil the mood a bit.]

3. Write down all your sexy thoughts and fantasies on colorful notes or sexy cards. You can play this game two ways. You can either make it like an Easter egg hunt [invite the neighborhood kids over?] or leave the notes and cards in places that you know each other will find them. Go on and be very, very naughty. Leave the notes and cards somewhere that each of you will find them. [Me: Whole Foods fish counter. Him: Costco Cereal aisle]

4. Entice each other with sexy oral finger play. You can play this in many ways and both partners can play. [as long as you make enough finger puppets] Put his or her finger slowly in your mouth and make sure to keep eye contact while your tongue and mouth tease the finger. You can also put your own finger into your partners mouth. Allow yourself to express your desire and fire through your eyes. Experiment with finger-licking. [while one of you talks sexy in the KFC Colonel Sanders voice] Try slow and sensuous, as well as hard and rough. You can set a timer and do this for five or ten minutes [10 MINUTES??] and I promise you will want to tear off each other’s clothing off! [So you can get in the shower and try to slough away the layer of disgust and personal shame?]

5. Leave gifts of special lingerie for him [no] or her around the bedroom with notes that say “Wait until (insert appropriate holiday).” [Nothing says ‘special gift’ like him in a babydoll outfit. Is any holiday appropriate enough to insert that?]

6. Read and talk about giving each other a “sexcation.” [send him to the Philippines?] It could be a weekend workshop or a private retreat. Did you know that couples have the best sex when they go somewhere new together? Being in a completely new environment can really shake up your sexuality and allow you to experiment with the erotic in ways that you may not normally do at home. Search the internet, ask friends for recommendations [lose friends immediately] or contact a sex educator for finding the right “sexcation” for you. Use the opportunity to talk about and experiment with secret fantasies. This is an “out of your comfort zone” experience and might even feel “dangerous.” Perfect. Feeling a little uncomfortable is what we all need for that amazing sexual adventure! [Because there’s nothing better than uncomfortable, dangerous sex]

7. Read steamy erotica to each other while stroking and groping each other through your clothing. Get really turned on and then stop. Feel the heat of desire. Moan with it. [Never invite a British woman to moan. You’ll be revving up, she’ll be criticising you for not getting the rubbish out on bin day]

8. Eat sexy in front of each other. Lick ice and lollipops. Suck on ripe fruit. Be suggestive and outrageous. [think Mickey Rourke before his face collapsed]. Try doing this in public at holiday parties or while dining out.[Here’s your dinner love, a bowl of ice and a strawberry. Tuck in.]

9. Take a steamy shower or bath together. Buy luxury soaps and bring in scrubby toys. Make it an event. Turn on the music and turn off the world. Take turns washing each other all over.[bonus if you sing the Rub-A-Dub-Dub bath song] Be as daring as you want. Experiment. Skin loves to be touched. Allow yourselves to make noise. A little moaning is very acceptable! [not sure if scrubby toys are loofah-y type ones or manky ones that a latchkey kid left in the wasteland behind the condemned council estate]

10. Create a sexy photo album to give your partner as a part of gift of the last night. Check out local boudoir photographers and take some steamy shots — or you can do it yourself. Everyone has a “selfie” camera. [or save time and double it up with a visit to your Ob/Gyn] Have the photos developed and published into a book. This is so easy to do as there are so many online print-on-demand services. You will get hot creating this and gifting it to each other. Another option is to book a “couple’s boudoir holiday photo shoot”. [or invite Santa and make it a sexy threesome] Talk about sexy anticipation and holiday naughtiness. Play!

11. Talk about sex. Take the time to tell each other the times in the past where you have really turned each other on. Your partner may be surprised that it was a little thing or gesture that got you turned on [that day you introduced me to your best friend]. Boost each others egos up! Let each other know how they can melt you. Re-tell sexual experiences to each other, about each other. When you actually tell your partner what is working for you, you will inspire more creative thinking, because they will have something to work with! [think outside the box baby]

12. That final night! Plan to create time together for that big finale when all of your anticipation and desire is welcome. Open the gifts during a time when you can actually use them. (This may mean postponing your pleasure a little longer… but that is fine!) More anticipation is never a bad thing when it comes to sexual desire and pleasure. Do this final night your way! Bring in all of the things that you created and purchased. Look at the picture album together. Read aloud the notes that you left for each other. Take out the new toys. [try not to let the dog chew on them] Talk about them. Present the “sexcation.” Savor it all. Or have it rough and tough. [throw on a leather jacket over your footie-pyjamas]. This final night is all yours to enjoy. You are allowed to explode now! Create the time for your pleasure. Be greedy. [eat that box of chocolates you were keeping in case the neigbours popped in with an unexpected Christmas gift] After all, it’s the holidays — it’s the perfect time to indulge in each other.